Day 11

They say only god judge me, but I can’t see things clear.
How the fuck am I supposed to know if I have hell to fear?
If my heaven door won’t open, will my soul be there?
Can anybody help me? Cause I’m feeling kinda scared.
If my life has passed and my mind has died.
Would anybody care about the tears I cried?
If I, could’ve been saved, would I, still feel the touch of your embrace?
If I was gone, how will I know if I have died with grace?
All these questions, but the answers can’t be found.
I’m lost like hell, but my heaven still needs to be crowned.
My feet’s getting warm, but my hands get cold.
Is hell calling, or is my soul been sold?
To this devil, this demon still unknown.
Or is god just telling me that my feelings are unshown?
It’s crazy, it’s mind beating.
If I die, will my love be leaving?

Heaven’s calling. I see my life, it’s almost falling.
Somebody help me, give me strength.
I don’t wanna see my life, passing by, just sitting by the bench.
No more sidelines. No more worries.
Help me get me back on this road, on my life of hell. (x2)

Why’d you wanna judge me for the things I do?
If I all ever did, was meant for you.
Every crime I committed, every thing I’ve done.
Every word I said, every song I’ve sung
I’m trapped in the dark, there’s no way out.
If I can’t see my light, how do I know what it’s all about?
If you are my guidance, on my path of life.
Why can’t you show me which roads to take?
Or is it easier for you, just to see how I would break?
Cause you trapped me in this nightmare.
And now you got me running scared.
Or is it all just a test to see how much I would dare?
I can feel it’s close, I can hear heaven calling.
Look at all this rain, god’s tears are falling.
Must’ve done something wrong.
How will I ever find my way back home?

Heaven’s calling. I see my life, it’s almost falling.
Somebody help me, give me strength.
I don’t wanna see my life, passing by, just sitting by the bench.
No more sidelines. No more worries.
Help me get me back on this road, on my life of hell. (x2)

Day 10

My head's turning
Body's yearning
Hands everywhere
Waiting for that one touch

One kiss of you
Just one taste
Feelings growing
Faster, Longer & stronger

So softly
Just kissing you
Just holding you
Just simply adoring you

Day 9

Darkness creeps in
Lights fading out
Reaching in the dark
But there's nothing there

Just emptiness & silence
Peace & disturbance
Calmness, but yet again crazy
Hearing screams far away

Heavy breathing, exhaling
Anticipation, nothing makes sense
Which was clear for all
Cause life never figures

Day 8

Leaving out of this world
Tragically & yet unknown
No rhytm, no feelings
No sunshine, no rain
Just a longing soul

Reaching to be out there
Reaching to be heard
Seeing people every day
Avoiding them on every way
But a word is just a word

Love kills slowly
It breeds suicide
A compatible sign
There ain't in mine
Death comes & life dies

Day 7

Here is a song I wrote, to tell you the words that I don't easily speak.

It's easy, to love you. I wonder, will I have you? I'm just longing to have you by my side.
I know it's crazy but we can make it right. You're perfect in every way.
The sun in your face, just beauty with grace, I love you every day.

Let me touch you right. Let me hold you tonight.
Let me kiss you first. Let me still your thirst.
Your hunger for love. You must be sent from heaven above.

You were the one who caught my eye. You are the one for who I would die.
Every day I miss you more. They say more is less, but with you less is more.
If you could see yourself through my eyes. Than you would know how beautiful you are.

Let me touch you right. Let me hold you tonight.
Let me kiss you first. Let me still your thirst.
Your hunger for love. You must be sent from heaven above.

I have a dream of you & me. I've seen in the future that we could be.
Nights are so cold & lonely without you. I feel like I gotta live besides you.
I wanna be the one where you come home to. I wanna be the one that you call when you're feeling down. I wanna be the one that you wanna have around. Like all the time, you're on my mind. With every step that I take, I'll take you with me, cause I don't wanna leave you behind. You're like the tease of my game. The temptation that I wanna call by name. But baby, Gimme your number, put it in my phone. And call me, when you're feeling alone.

Let me touch you right. Let me hold you tonight.
Let me kiss you first. Let me still your thirst.
Your hunger for love. You must be sent from heaven above..

Day 6

The hardest part of telling someone what you feel about them, is finding the right words to say at the right time. Words that come from the heart, not the words that are in your head. The right words say so much, the wrong words say so little.

Misunderstanding, Wrong objecting. Misinterperated, whatever you like to call it. I know that what I told you, you know is true. Cause expressing my feelings right out of the blue, is something that I don't often do.

But with you, for some reason, I took a chance to express. I still don't understand why. Because it was the wrong timing. Wrong words being said. What I said, I could've told it much better. I still believe, I was wrong for telling you then.

Knowing now, that the words wouldn't matter, the timing wouldn't matter, I never should've say it. But the cards were dealt, I couldn't play it any better. Simple words to say: Women => SUCK, Love=>SUCK. The only thing that always rules is bloody SEX :o!!! Right?

Signing off...

Day 5

Home sick for a week. Sick is a big word, cause i'm actually only just way too tired xD. But it's a problem too right??!! So i have a chance of catching up on some sleep. But it has been a good week so far. And the weekend will be even better :p. Three days of none stop partying!!!

Oke now to the serious shit. Discussing shit and wondering stuff. Oke i found out that half of the time, my ex is lying to me and making up excuses so she wouldn't have to see me. what's up with that? Women, I will never understand then, even being a woman myself. We're way too hard.

Next thing: How you know you love someone? When do you know for sure? Cause the line between friendship & love, hate & love, is a very close line. How you find out those things? You just try it and see what happens? Or you just wait and see what will come?

Which basically comes down on the same thing right?! But who gives a crap right? I just wanna hear that i'm right all the way :p. But i'm not that often wrong, so it's all good. What else can i put down here?

I'm starting to live a bit more healthier. will it work? Probably not :p. I'm so used to the sugar of all the sodas that the water is so boring for me xD. But i just have to hold on. Be strong :p. Start to enjoy the water xD. Get fishy xD!!!

Let's see. Anything else to put here? Not really. I saw my boy again. We had lots of fun. So life is starting to be fun again. Had some crappy times, and i'm sure there are more crappy times to come, but we all have those days i guess...

Signing off...

Day 4

A few weeks passed by. Probably I should say alot of things happened. But I don't wanna bore you guys. So I'll just keep them short xD. I started going back to "school". Following a course for Aftersales in the automobile.

Bad period to go for that, but it's what I love. I love cars, I love working them. Just really passioned about it. So that was like the major thing I guess. First month is over!! Only 2 more months to go!!! We'll get there xD!

Than I haven't seen my dearest friend BEN in 4 or 5 weeks. Which I find truly sad. Cause I love him alot and I really miss him. And when I see him I'm gonna give him a BIG HUG!!! Than on the other hand mah baby complained that I never write something about her, so therefor...

Lately I've been spending alot of time with mah baby xD. Maybe too much, who knows :p?! We go party alot :p We can talk alot, we have lots of fun. And soon baby we're gonna be filthy f*cking rich. We'll have lots of girls then.

I know you have a girl now. I'm very happy for you. You deserve it!!! But whenever you need me, I'll be there for you. Soon we'll be roomies too, probably. It'll be so much fun xD!!! Euhm let's see what else could I tell?

Lately I've been missing my ex again. Which is not so good. But I'll live I guess. Anything else? Not really I guess, so I'll think I go. And leave you bastards alone xD. This is me, Just signing off...

Day 3

Almost a week past by. Many things happened or only a few. I started going back to school kinda. It's this course for after-sales. So far still enjoying it, although, today was really boring. I actually fell asleep of boredness.

But the other days were good. Meeting new people, learning new things. Or old things when it comes to working on the computer. Group of 13 people, which is good. Cause I don't like big groups.

Still missing my boy!!! Best mates forever. Haven't seen him in a while. It's a week now I think. My life has changed alot I feel. I have different priorities now, I have different feelings. Different opinions.

Since a while I've started noticing that I'm getting over my ex. I mean I don't miss her, I don't need to hear her or see her. Not textmessaging her all the time. And it's good. It's good for me, It's good for my life.

I mean I still love her, always have always will. But the magic is gone you know? And to be honest sometimes I get bored by her. So yeah life has been good for me this week. Wonder what it will be next time.

Signing off...

Day 2

Another day went by. Quickly as it seemed, cause I kinda slept alot today. So there's not much to tell. Just I miss my best friend. His name is Ben. I don't know him for that long actually. But we have like so much in common, we understand each other perfectly.

You know that feeling when you just met someone and you start talking to them, that it seems like you have known them your whole life? It's amazing when you can get that kind of connection with someone.

My ex girl, who's also my best friend, told me that if I were straight, or he was girl, that we would be together. And when you think about it, on one hand you'll be like yeah actually she's right. But on the other hand, the experience that I had with her, makes me think hell no.

Why risk a friendship over a relationship? Only when you know that your friendship is worth more and is much stronger, you can risk it. Cause good friends come rare you know. If you really have good friends that are always there for you, you should cherish them.

Cause living life without them, is useless. I know that when I reach rock bottom, my best friend will be there. When times get hard, he will be there. And we can talk about anything. It's almost like our lives are running the same.

And it's crazy, it's strange. It's rare and I love him for that. And he deserves the greatest girl on earth there is. Cause he is kinda of sensitive guy. But we have our own kind of fun. And lately I don't see him that often.

And I miss it. I miss him, our times, our conversations. Life is just life I guess. Patience gets rewarded you know!!!!

Signing off...

Day 1

Blogs are like a diary. You just express your feelings. Only this diary is public. Everybody gets a chance to get to know who you are. What intrigues you. They get a little light about the person that you are. What experiences you've been through or will have, that made the person of today.

My life has always been messy, crazy, weird. If happiness came around, it didn't take that long before it was gone either. All the believes that you have, all the dreams you have, some days you wake up and realize that they just mean nothing.

There are persons that means the world to me. And there are days that I just think that, if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here anymore. So I thank them for it, every single day. It's easy to take things & friends for granted.

But I learned the hard way that you can't. I had a best friend. She was everything to me and more. From the very first day we met, I fell in love with her. One look and I knew she was gonna rule my world.

Love can ruin what you have. We were best friends for a very long time, till one day something came up. We became a couple. Some will think: what a stupid thing to do. Others will think different.

And maybe it was stupid, maybe it was the wrong timing for us. But I don't really care about it. She made me feel special, she made me feel alive. She made me a better person. She made me happy every single day.

Dispite our differences. Ofcourse we argued. Sure she made mistakes & yes she broke my heart. But my love for her is greater than that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever gonna find love again. But then again if you keep living in the past, there will never be a future ahead.

So there are days that I think about her and feel sad & blue. There are days that I don't care about it & that I just want her to be happy. Cause although we're not together anymore, she deserves to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

So recently I met this new girl. And for some strange reason, she can make me feel alive. I can open up to her & I'm not afraid to be myself with her. There's a bit of an age difference, which worries me a bit. But age ain't nothing but a number right?

I mean I can talk to her. And I feel relieved. I can smile again. But she's kinda closed. I don't know if she's afraid to let someone. Is it just a matter of time, cause we don't know each other that well.

I mean I just wanna get to know her. I wanna know what she's all about. Why she so dark? One thing is for sure. Girls we'll never understand. So my question for today: Will I ever get my chance to get to know her?

Signing off....